I won’t lie, this shit is hard AF.
I’ve been celibate for about 22 months. And to be honest, it hasn’t been THAT hard. I guess I should take it back a couple years so you understand…
I went to University a virgin (as most people) but met, someone I was deeply in love with at the time. Gave it all up for him, and we were together for 3.5 years. Rocky roads I tell ya! Anyway sha, we broke up and when we did, I decided to be celibate. I always wanted to wait until marriage anyway, so I thought let me try.
Anyway, between that decision and let’s say, end of November 2016. I was never really put to the test. I mean I’ve been roasting, & met one guy that I’d thought about sleeping with but confidently knew that I wasn’t going to (so glad I didn’t btw – he’s married now you see). But despite that, I’ve been ok.. sexually. I’ve pleased myself when I needed to & slept knowing that there isn’t a fuckboy trying to break my heart. I missed the intimacy, the spooning, and genuinely having someone there but its normal, right? I love my loneliness and hate it at times.
Fast forward to the present, I met this guy, who I became quite close with quite easily, but not on a dating level, just a friendship level. So I hold him quite close to my heart… as I do ALL of my friends. But then in November, he kissed me. And it was amazing. After a few times of back and forth, and a major BACK, I went forth and I finally put my foot down. Said I can’t do this. Putting my celibacy in jeopardy for something I cannot guarantee will be forever isn’t worth it.
But this is where LE STRUGGLE begins. He presents a very good case in regards to why I should just be “free”. Funny thing is if my friend told me the situation I’m in, I’ll fully tell them to cut this guy off, that he’s bad news. But my thing is… he ticks all my boxes. He’s driven, he’s kind, he’s thoughtful, he’s confident, he’s a hustler, he’s caring and open. He supports me and builds me up as do I. Which is why we became friends. We trust each other. And it was instant, we didn’t force anything, it wasn’t built up over years and years. Within a month or two, we knew so much about each other.
This is why it’s hard. Today, I was thinking to write to one of my fave Insta pages, @BlackGirlCity (love them). I wanted to ask if they could post my dilemma so I can see what other people thought about the situation. But as I was writing, I realised the answer. Celibacy is the dealbreaker. If he can’t get on board, the ship will have to head to the next destination.
I still think about him everyday & want to call him, but I really don’t want to send mixed signals, I do miss my friend…
Meh, Le Struggle.