I often think about my ex.
But not as if I miss him or want to get back with him – cos God knows I don’t. Heck, I know for a fact that I don’t. He wasn’t good for me in the end. At first, I honestly believe yes, I grew a lot within myself confidence (in some areas) and learnt a lot from him. However the beginning of the end, I began to feel intoxicated and noticed a lot more flaws in the relationship. I realised I did things that were out of my character & began to believe that was my character. Toxic, right? For almost a year after, I believed I was crazy because of the type of mad things I did. But I’m not lol… I was just pushed over the edge & fall was what brought out the crazy. When I hit the ground, the crazy stopped.
ANYWAY! Back to the topic..
I used to lie to myself when I was with him. Let myself believe certain situations weren’t what they were so that I wouldn’t get in trouble with him or cause problems/arguments (yep – madmadmadmad). *NB: i don’t think a lot of my friends truly understood the turmoil I went through* These lies manifested inside of me to the point that my memory of the truth was distorted and I wasn’t sure what was real and what I’d made up.
Because of this, I made sure to be honest with myself once we broke up. In order to be real in life, I needed to be real with myself. So admit that I still loved him when I did, admit that I still cared when I did and then admit that I still wanted to be his friend when I did because obviously, if you spend that much time with someone they become your best friend. So as time progressed, so did I. I fell out of love for him and care. I no longer wanted his friendship because he was being a shit friend.
But truth be told, even though I know how I feel, I still OCCASIONALLY check his social media. Why, I always ask myself. Do I still care for him? Would I go back to him if he asked. And honestly, no. I know I don’t and I wouldn’t go back because I’m not the person I was when I was with him. I pree his social media because I’m just curious to see wag1. To see if I’m doing what I perceive to be better. And I believe that I am.
Tonight I came across his page (accidentally on purpose – yes its a real thing and it happens) and I saw this video he posted. Now good for him for trying to make some type of social difference but the video.. the video… it was just…
Straight away I sent it to my friends that I KNOW without a doubt, would have the same reaction I did.. Literally, if i could show you the video… This Kevin Hart gif best explains it…
But this wasn’t supposed to be an Ex bashing post LMAO! I was mid-way typing and I just realised another truth about this truth. Sometimes I think too into things and make up shit bit to be honest…
I don’t love him
I don’t like him
I don’t even miss him
I just like to see what I’m not missing looool! Like I’m genuinely glad I don’t have to pretend to be supportive. Back then I would have been but now, the person I’ve become.. I won’t bullshit. If I think something my bae is doing is crap, I will find a way of telling him. But if he genuinely wants to do it.. We’ll work together for him to be the best. For example, if my future bae wanted to be a rapper but didn’t have bars. I’d be like, “babe, quit while you’re ahead” but if there was stage presence, charisma, alla dat… I’ll say “find you a ghostwriter & let’s chase this paper-bo-boo”
Live in your truth.