Time to stop lying to yourself…

I often think about my ex. 

But not as if I miss him or want to get back with him – cos God knows I don’t. Heck, I know for a fact that I don’t. He wasn’t good for me in the end. At first, I honestly believe yes, I grew a lot within myself confidence (in some areas) and learnt a lot from him. However the beginning of the end, I began to feel intoxicated and noticed a lot more flaws in the relationship. I realised I did things that were out of my character & began to believe that was my character. Toxic, right? For almost a year after, I believed I was crazy because of the type of mad things I did. But I’m not lol… I was just pushed over the edge & fall was what brought out the crazy. When I hit the ground, the crazy stopped.

ANYWAY! Back to the topic..

I used to lie to myself when I was with him. Let myself believe certain situations weren’t what they were so that I wouldn’t get in trouble with him or cause problems/arguments (yep – madmadmadmad). *NB: i don’t think a lot of my friends truly understood the turmoil I went through* These lies manifested inside of me to the point that my memory of the truth was distorted and I wasn’t sure what was real and what I’d made up.

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Because of this, I made sure to be honest with myself once we broke up. In order to be real in life, I needed to be real with myself. So admit that I still loved him when I did, admit that I still cared when I did and then admit that I still wanted to be his friend when I did because obviously, if you spend that much time with someone they become your best friend. So as time progressed, so did I. I fell out of love for him and care. I no longer wanted his friendship because he was being a shit friend.

But truth be told, even though I know how I feel, I still OCCASIONALLY check his social media. Why, I always ask myself. Do I still care for him? Would I go back to him if he asked. And honestly, no. I know I don’t and I wouldn’t go back because I’m not the person I was when I was with him. I pree his social media because I’m just curious to see wag1. To see if I’m doing what I perceive to be better. And I believe that I am.

Tonight I came across his page (accidentally on purpose – yes its a real thing and it happens) and I saw this video he posted. Now good for him for trying to make some type of social difference but the video.. the video… it was just…

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Straight away I sent it to my friends that I KNOW without a doubt, would have the same reaction I did.. Literally, if i could show you the video… This Kevin Hart gif best explains it… Image result for SOMEBODY COME LOOK AT THIS KEVIN HART GIF

But this wasn’t supposed to be an Ex bashing post LMAO! I was mid-way typing and I just realised another truth about this truth. Sometimes I think too into things and make up shit bit to be honest…

I don’t love him

I don’t like him

I don’t even miss him

I just like to see what I’m not missing looool! Like I’m genuinely glad I don’t have to pretend to be supportive. Back then I would have been but now, the person I’ve become.. I won’t bullshit. If I think something my bae is doing is crap, I will find a way of telling him. But if he genuinely wants to do it.. We’ll work together for him to be the best. For example, if my future bae wanted to be a rapper but didn’t have bars. I’d be like, “babe, quit while you’re ahead” but if there was stage presence, charisma, alla dat… I’ll say “find you a ghostwriter & let’s chase this paper-bo-boo”

Live in your truth.

 

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