I think I seriously suffer from social anxiety.
I never thought it was this bad until today. I never noticed how uncomfortable I feel when I’m around a group of people I generally don’t know, especially when they all know each other.
Today, I never felt so alone yet so filled with the Love of God. It was weird. I wanted to experience today to its fullest but I just couldn’t conjure up the words to socialise.
I really needed a friend to be with me so we could do it together. I felt so alone that if I thought too much, I’d make myself cry on the spot. Even the people I did know, knew other people more than me and so they went with them. The people I ended up tagging along with, I didn’t really click with them. Maybe one person but that wasn’t until the very end of the social situation.
I don’t know why I find it so difficult. I’m not afraid of rejection. I don’t really care anymore if someone doesn’t like me – especially if they have a valid excuse. I’m not afraid of actually being independant and doing things on my own but when there is nothing for me to do but socialise – I become scared.
Scared of… not being myself, not finding a new friend… just I don’t really know. So mentally, I end up reverting back to a shy 9-year-old who’s just moved school. I look like a child, my choice of hair style didn’t help but my mannerisms would have told you I was way younger than I am.
I look at other people, younger than I am, with so much more confidence than me. And it makes sad. It makes me want to cry. Like I’m a big 24 year old woman and I just feel like this is so childish and pathetic.
[5mins later after Googling Social Anxiety & Socially Awkward]
Well, it turns out that I’m not even any of those two things. I know for a fact that I don’t have those kinds of traits – I guess I get shy and uncomfortable in social situations. Which is still just as annoying.
Don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do about it.